To Be or Not To Be A Teacher?....That is the question

But do I have the answer?  My first semester of Student-Teaching is almost over.  I have gone from being scared to death of my Master Teacher and students to finding a trusted mentor and really caring about the kids I teach.  All that they say about the education system is true--it IS that bad.  However, I'm not naiive enough to believe that any profession is perfect.  They all have their issues---all of them!  However, I have not found such an energetic, dynamic environment with so many moving parts and so much at stake.

I don't have an answer and sometimes I think yes and other times I think I can't do it.  It's hard to know if I've made the right decision and so the journey must continue...

Student-Teaching: Reality 101

It's started!  I've begun my first semester of coursework and student-teaching.  I expected the classes to go at lightening speed and, of course, was already behind in my first week.  What I didn't anticipate was how REAL student-teaching would be.  I met students I only read about.  They were dealing with issues of broken families, parent abandonment, death, drugs and probably more I didn't know about yet.  How does a teacher teach the modern atomic theory when there parents a divorcing and they don't know where they are going to live????  Really?  How does a teacher do that? 

One of my students was falling asleep during a test. "You have to wake up, there's no sleeping in class" I nudged the student.  Later I found out he was in heroine rehab.  "WHAT?," I stuttered.  My master teacher said we're just glad he's here because when he's here, he's not doing drugs.  Geez!  How am I supposed to deal with that? 

You know it's not the teaching part that is the hard part it's the trying to teach when LIFE is going on.  My first month of student teaching was hard with tears and staring at the ceiling before bed.  I really am blessed. Of course, I've been successful!  I haven't had the distractions that these kids have.  ....my heart aches for them.

Summer Living

Summer living and the living is easy...maybe a little too easy for my liking.  Here it was my first ever summer where I had no real responsibilities (okay, I had to pass the U.S. Constitution Exam--which I did--and an online Heatlh class).  Granted, back in '95 I stayed home for the summer because I had just given birth to my first child but everyone who has gone through it knows that's not much of a summer vacation.  It felt very surreal.  There were even two trips planned to Hawai'i and New York City.  It was very weird to be "on vacation" and then go "on vacation" and then come back home to still be "on vacation."  I actually looked forward to getting back into school so that I would have more of a purpose to my day...to my life.

During one of my fits of complaining about working while my husband sat at home in the luxury of being laid off, I had told a colleague how I would just love to be a stay-home mom.  "I'm tired of working in Big Pharma and Corporate America," I complained.  I added, "I wish I could be a stay-home mom."  She looked at me with disbelief.  "No, you couldn't, Michele," she countered.  "Yes, yes, I could!" I argued.  How do these friends of mine know me better than me?  Why can't I see this in myself?  I should have known this.  I had already tried it after I had my first-born.  It didn't work then and I should have known it wouldn't work now.  I only wanted to be a stay-home mom because of the "grass-is-greener" syndrome.  It was Big Pharma and Corporate America of which I was sick. 

As I continue my journey to my teaching credential, I'm trusting that my husband and friends will be correct again--that I will be a good teacher and really enjoy it.  That I will love it because of the rewards--all those glittering eyes staring back at me wanting to know more.  Okay, I know, if I have one set of glittering eyes I'll be lucky.  Students aren't going to have the same expectations as I will for them.  They don't realize I am trusting them with my future.  I must teach them well because when I'm old and useless they will be the ones making the decisions about the future of society.  They don't know that yet.  They'll only care about passing my chemistry class.  And you know, that's okay.  They'll get it eventually but then they'll probably be 40-something and sick of Corporate America.

Re-learning the U.S. Constitution

One of the things I've learned as I've gotten older in life is that I have a deeper appreciation for history: U.S. history, Hawaiian history, my ancestory, pharmaceutical history, and more.  In high school, I never found learning about history interesting or intriguing or very easy for that matter.  If there wasn't a mathematical function associated with the subject, I couldn't relate. 

Now as part of the Teaching Credential requirements, I found myself studying for my U.S. Constitution test.  I know that I had to learn this in my distant past but I realized how very little was retained.  I found the Constitution to be pretty much 99.9% new information.  I also found the material to be interesting and relevant.  I found myself reverant and touched by the brilliance and foresight of the writers.  What an amazing document that has enabled me to live in a nice house, vacation with my children, learn a profession that has given me many years of creativity and innovation and made it so that I was protected when I was laid-off!  I realize that as a 16-year-old, with such little life experience, there really isn't a way to understand and appreciate what an incredible document the Consitution truly is.

I am so fascinated that I can even entertain becoming more politcally involved in my community...okay, I'll make a go of teaching first but it is an interesting prospect.  I can see that as a teacher with over 20 years industry experience, I believe that I will have a pretty good idea about educating future scientists and maybe, just maybe, a politician would be interested in what I'd have to say....

I have a Dream...

I have a dream as a Chemistry Teacher. To enable my students to learn about themselves and life as part of learning about chemistry. I have a dream to start them on their digital portfolio to document their contributions to education and society. I have a dream to excite students to learn that chemistry is not about learning about molecules and bonds but about their quest to answering why the universe behaves the way it does. I have a dream to inspire tomorrow's scientist and giving them the desire to curing tomorrow's diseases, discovering new energy sources, and innovating tomorrow's technologies. I have a dream that my students will begin to master today's technologies and understand our world's problems for they will need this knowledge to build tomorrow. I have this dream and wonder if I am naiive... Do other teachers, administrators, state's leaders and our nation's leaders have this same dream?

Gratitude

I thank you for realizing that I am my Grandmother's daughter, melodramatic and over-reactive but true to my emotion

I thank you for realizing how my colleagues truly care and share my pain and want to help

I thank you for the opportunity to grow and learn and hone my craft; with working with the best and playing with the finest toys our industry can offer

I thank you for the experience of how to deal with bad policies with no human "resourceful" touch; then after getting through the system, knowing I can not change it...for I realize, I can apply this to my future career

I thank you for giving me back my motherhood which I've neglected for many years; I can BE with my kids and realize how WONDERFUL it feels to wait in parking lots to pick them up

I thank you for showing a leader with true unfeeling, cowardly reactions and another that is feeling, kind and strong of character who pushed beyond his fears...thankfully the world is made of all kinds to make us appreciative and stronger

I thank you for the financial support to pursue another venue that hopefully will satisfy my internal need to "save the world"

I thank you for the chance to make a difference and the courage to take that chance in something new and perhaps where I am more needed

I thank you for showing me how strong my bond is with my husband; lucky that I have someone who can make me feel contentment when everything else is falling apart

I thank you for giving me colleagues who inspire me and believe in me; they are my true friends for they see in me that which sometimes I can't always see myself

I thank you for this work-in-progress because I'm finding more for which I'm thankful

Light at the End of the Tunnel

So, there is one more week left in my very first semester of meeting my pre-requisite requirements for acceptance into CSUSM's teaching credential program. As I was telling my husband the other day, I'm very happy. I'm not sure if it is because of the prospect of becoming a teacher or more because I'm not having to go into Pfizer to continue in the masochistic chemistry research. There it seems it was never enough. Will teaching be the same? I don't know and won't know until I teach. But to not have to go to work when it's really not all that financially imperative to survival is just pure heaven. That I am going to classes gives me purpose to my day and the subject matter is pleasantly interesting. So slowly everything is getting checked off my list: CSETs, CBEST, CSUSM College of Education application, College of Education Interview. Now just a few more assignments to turn in and my classes will be done. How tolerable is the process? Have I learned enough about my subjects? Have I survived un-jaded? Don't really know yet but I can't wait for summer vacation! I can't remember the last time I had no responsibilities...well not very many responsibilities. YES!

Self-Reflection/Self Realization

Never before have I ever done so much self-reflection and self-realization of myself as I have now while taking my pre-requisites to get into the teaching credential program. I always thought a strong work ethic and doing the right thing would bring me in life everything I wanted...

Not so, I've found out. Although I did think I wanted it, I never thought that I could be laid-off. As I remember, sitting in that room, with the HR person next to me, as I watched R's hand shake, I knew what was coming. It seemed like perhaps this must be what death will be like...I'll see it coming and there's nothing I can do to stop it. How did I react? In perfect Michele-form...I cried or more like wailed. At least enough to get the all-powerful M frantically fearful enough to call Security. That moment replays in my mind. I wonder, does it replay in R's?  By the way his hand was shaking I would guess, yes.

How did I calm down? There's only 2 ways I know: cry until I can't cry anymore or have me talk to my Rock of Gibraltar--my husband. One sentence and the pain and agony were gone: "But Michele, that's what you wanted." The words of reason, there it was said and it made everything all better.

Yes, we had talked about what would happen if I were to be laid-off. I would get my teaching credential. Our problem of retiring to Hawaii without medical benefits would be resolved. As a chemsitry teacher on a small remote island, I could work for the state of Hawaii, work for medical benefits and work for a pension. One step closer to making my retirement a reality. It's all part of ze plan!

But first, I must become a teacher. After reading "The Thread That runs So True" by Jesse Stuart as part of my Education 350 class, I thought, well, my story may be just as interesting. I still want to save the world, I still want to make a difference, I still want to be important to society. What will be my journey? Will I achieve it? Will the fact that I can make more than 2x the money elsewhere entice me to leave it? Am I more altruistic or materialistic? Let's face it, I wasn't happy my last year at Pfizer but will I be able to be happy teaching? Pfizer politics are nothing compared to politics in Education? Will I become jaded in this profession, too? I know I must make the journey to find out.

P.S. So as not to get myself into any kind of "trouble" personal, professional, legal, or whatever, I need to write a disclaimer that points out that this blog is MY personal opinion and experience and any correlation, parallels, resemblance to another is just a coincidence.  Names have been changed to protect the innocent...or guilty.  Lighten up world, enjoy my journey!